~Floating layers~Farben die mein Leben beschreiben, weil mein Leben sonst wundervoll farblos ist. Farben sind als Gedanken weit schöner als auf Wänden, Stoffen und Papier...

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This year I discovered a completely new sentiment. It is a mentally felt emotional sensation, that has physical impacts. It's amazingly intense and frighteningly capturing. It is the feeling of my soul expanding and pushing against boundaries. It makes my head feel like under pressure and about to burst, but in a way, that I always feel safe, like the definite explosion won't come, and that I just have to endure until the size of my soul adjusts.

It did make me vigorously shake my head, though, and smash it onto a wall. Even if only gently. It made me clench my fists and cringe. It made me question the value of everything I had built before and it made me completely revise my set of values and standards. And to this day I'm not finished with that process. Hell, I'm not even close...

I remember vividly sitting on that sun-bathed meadow in Bavaria in September and asking the heavens what the fuck happened to me... What the fuck just began to unfold in my biography...

I pondered for days and weeks about how to deal with it and how to integrate the current developments into the identity I had constructed for myself, but in retrospective there was never a real choice....

Or the choice had been made months in advance...
Unconsciously, like an addict reacts to new thrills...

Yep, an addict. That's what I am.
No way to hide that anymore and actually no need even.
I wanna get better and become a better person, so I shouldn't even try anymore to hide those parts of myself...

I already impaired that burden on the one who loves me the most. And he handles extraordinarily! I just need to work on not taking that for granted... And on not listening to the voices, that tell me, that the setup of my current life is due to him.

I don't need to make him leave to get radical.
I don't need to shift that responsibility to him.
I can always just get going and see where it leads me.
I still underestimate him, but now at least I know...

But is it morally acceptable to confront him with even more change?
To make him deal with my soul-searching-trip in a way that robs him of the security I once offered even more?
Am I to blame for this yunity-induced freedom, that makes me reconsider every single category I ever built and the uncertainty this process yields for him as well?

I want to be free, but
I also want to be reliable.
I want to follow my desires, but
I also want to stay true to my previous agreements.

What is more important if it's not possible anymore to fulfill both?
Where is the boundary between honesty and selfishness?
What do I really want?
Is there even an answer to that question?
Or rather, can there be one answer to that question?

I seriously doubt it...

Safety is an illusion.
We can never know what the next day will bring.
Loyalty is a blessing.
It makes the uncertainty of the world more bearable.

Personal relationships are about the most security this world has to offer.
I know that, I'm just too arrogant to actually believe that people could turn on me.
Stupid, right? ^^
But like I said, I'm working on it...

For now I'm happily expanding my network, encountering love all around and not wanting to shut it out. Even if it's not directed at me and ends up hurting me unintentionally.
I want to be a bigger person in that regard.
What else is that arrogance good for anyways..?

My soul keeps expanding.
That's what it feels like at least.
I think I'm on a good way.
On an honest way in clear sight.
The world is full of beauty and possibility.
That prize is definitely worth a little pain...
29.12.16 03:07

Good person

Am I a good person? I don't know...
Do I want to be a good person? Yes!
Is wanting to be a good person what drives me? Erm, not primarily..?

I want to have coherence and rigor. I want what I say to fit what I do and the other way around. I want to be free but not lazy. I want to be social but not lack time for myself. I want to love and be loved and love myself. I want to want to help others. I want to be true to who I really am. I want the real me to live up to my standards.

Where is the balance between just doing what I feel like and doing what I feel is right even if it annoys me to be as authentic as possible? How much do I have to control myself to be and stay on the right track?
What does it even mean to be 'a good person'?

I think it means to be empathic to other people's suffering and to feel the need to ease it.
I think it means being open to the vast diversity of this world and to appreciate it rather than being afraid of it.
I think it means taking action and responsibility for the world we're all living in, be it on a small or big scale.
In the end it's really not about the actions themselves but about the attitude.

If Mother Therese just helped all those people to feel acknowledged, she was selfish.
If she did the same just for the sake of being helpful, she was a saint.
Who can ever judge this except for the person acting?
Luke said 'It's okay to feel good for helping others!', but isn't it important to know the main motivation? Isn't that exactly what makes the difference?

Sometimes I ease my mind by telling myself that this exact question already makes me better, but I don't know if that's not just an excuse maybe...
Then again, having a good impact on the world always is a good thing, right? So why thinking about it so much... maybe too much?!
Is it me or the world who judges if I'm a good person in the end?
How can I find peace vis-à-vis this question, when I don't delegate it to some kind of deity?
Well I just have to decide, don't I..?
Or let it rest...

Plato said the value of a human life can't be measured before it's over, because before that it's not complete...
Kant said the value of a human life becomes evident in every decision the human in question effects...
I have no idea who is right...

I'll just do my almost-best. Still granting myself a lot of time to relish this existence and to think about existential questions like this...^^
Why be a good person that is lonely and sad..?
No, I'd rather be a semi-good person but happy and loved... :3
3.11.16 02:56

Yay Berlin!

Today was the first day in what felt like ages for me to spend completely on my laptop. I didn't have to get up at a certain time and I didn't have to be at someplace at a certain time. So no pressure at all. What a gift!
I moved to Berlin and am now living in a very nice flat in Kaulsdorf together with Luki. I maintained communications with Tilmann and feel our closeness evergrowing. And today I got up-to-date again with what is going on in yunity and feel a great sensation of usefulness and relation to all the other people involved there.
The next week I will build up the last pieces of furniture, empty the last boxes and carry out some foodsharing pick-ups, before I will set out to meeting Tilmann again next Sunday. The amazing thing is, that I'm looking forward to each part of this plan almost equally. Okay, meeting Titi again is best, but still! I wouldn't want to leave today, because I also want to enjoy this initial time in our new flat with Luke and setting up our living arrangements also is a lot of fun for me!
I feel so blessed that I can experience this complex and beautiful set of feelings imminent in me right now! I have one man by my side who gives life to my everyday, greets me with soft smiles, kisses and hugs and provides an amazing safe harbor and another one who satisfies my desires, presents a goal for my longings and gives me the possibility to dive even deeper into this/my new reality which is yunity.
I really think, that I love these two equally, even though Luke is 8 years ahead on the one hand and Tilmann has the benefit of the new on the other...
Both have their charms, both are amazing people and both complement me in different but equally important areas. Both are caring, loving and sweet. Both are handsome, intelligent and interesting. Both are persons I want to share my life with...
31.10.16 23:17

Happily poly...^^

Whoa... I don't know how many times I already said that my life is awesome and that I'd never ever change with anybody, but tonight this feeling reaches a new high...

From today on I actually got two boyfriends! For real! They both know of their existence and they even know each other! And they both love me and are okay with another one loving me too!

On the one hand there is Luke, the soft and caring individual I spent the last 8 years with, developing a deep emotional connection nurtured by high-level intellectual exchange and cautious caressing. On the other hand there is Titi, the fresh love that is defined by an extraordinary amount of sensual contact, be it skin- or thought-wise and an irresistible physical attraction.

Who would've thought that I don't even have to choose now?! :DDD
I actually always thought that having more than one partner would be too much of a hassle, because I've always been craving deep, true and intense contacts, but with these two right now it all seems to come so naturally easy, that it would be much more painful to lose one of them than to invest a bit more energy to maintain the relationships.
I am so super happy right now, I didn't think it would be possible to reach this state...

And I have to say that my hypothesis that love and love combined equals exponential love is totally true! Luke feared that me loving another one could result in me loving him less, but what happened was exactly the opposite! I'm so impressed by his ability to abstract the traditional relationship categories and to really think about the current situation featuring the known individuals; that he was able to overcome his sadness and disappointment about my short period of lying (yes, it was three days, in which I needed to get clarity myself and behaved like a selfish bitch. I just have to admit that...) and realized that our relationship was not in danger but simply had new rules. It only took him half an hour to decide that he'd rather be part of this new honesty than lonely on the side and even in the meantime he smiled at me (even though discouragedly) and caressed my hand (even though shyly and nervously). I just hope that this isn't only the result of me dominating him...

Well, we'll see what happens when Luke and Titi will meet each other again. Luke said that he doesn't dread this moment, that he still wants to contribute to yunity because he likes the project, and that he doesn't even have a grudge against this guy who also made me fall in love with him.
I'm so looking forward to that moment. It's gonna be epically interesting to me...^^
20.9.16 02:16

Ich bin nicht gut darin mit Dingen aufzuhören, die Spaß machen. Aufhören zu trinken, wenn noch Wein da ist; aufhören zu glotzen, wenn es spannend ist; aufhören zu spielen, wenn es fesselnd ist; aufhören zu schlafen, wenn es traumhaft ist; aufhören zu kuscheln, wenn es erfüllend ist. Ich kann das nicht.
Und es ist auch egal, ob es neben dem Spaß, dem guten Gefühl, auch noch negative Empfindungen gibt, solange der Spaß existiert siegt die Trägheit.
Der Spaß, das gute Gefühl, ist ein warmes Pulsieren, das Körper und Geist verbindet. Es kommt auf, wenn etwas interessant ist und mir Erkenntnis schenkt, oder wenn etwas Schön ist und in mir Bewunderung auslöst, und ganz besonders wenn ich durch Körperkontakt spüre, dass jemand anderes diese Regungen in Bezug auf mich erfährt.

"Es ist so schön - es ist verboten!
Es ist so schön - es ist verboten!
Es ist so schön - es ist verboten!
Es ist so schön - ach Scheiß auf Verbote!" Hans-A-Plast

Nur Einsicht lässt mich daran arbeiten und hoffen, dass eine Änderung eintritt. Verbote nähren nur Trotz und Neugier. Ich bin exzessiv. Ich will so intensiv leben, soviel erfahren und genießen wie nur irgend geht. Aber ich will niemanden verletzen, enttäuschen oder verärgern deshalb.

Kommunikation ist so wichtig. Die Art und Weise wie ein Wunsch konzeptualisiert und kontextualisiert wird entscheidet schließlich, ob er als dreiste Forderung, freundliche Bitte, höflicher Vorschlag oder gutgemeinter Ratschlag aufgefasst wird.
Manipulation ist so einfach. Sie mit Absicht nicht anzuwenden und stattdessen durch Authentizität zu ersetzen, die trotzdem den Gegebenheiten der Gesprächssituation angmessen Rechnung trägt, ist die wahre Kunst. Und ich weiß nicht, ob ich sie schon gemeistert habe...

Wieviel Ehrlichkeit ist produktiv? Schon zeitlich ist es nicht möglich alles zu kommunizieren oder gar sprachlich zu kodieren, vom Verständnisaspekt mal ganz abgesehen. Wonach kann ich entscheiden welche Informationen ich weglasse? Relevanz, klar, aber die setzt jeder unterschiedlich. Dinge nicht explizit zu benennen und sich darauf zu verlassen, dass sie im Subtext transportiert werden birgt das (verschleiernd gewollte..?) Risiko des Missverständnisses.

Gibt es universelle Kategorien für soziale Beziehungen? Kann es überhaupt welche geben? Was ist mit universeller Moral? Die Wertung verschiedener Grundsatzkonzepte ist doch das, was die Handlungsanweisungen bedingt! Höflichkeit oder Ehrlichkeit, Status oder Kontakt, Individualität oder Gemeinschaftlichkeit.
Und alles ständig im Fluss der Bedeutungsverschiebung...
Und alles der subjektiven Interpretation ausgesetzt...

Was bedeutet das jetzt für das konkrete Handeln von mir persönlich? Was ist meine Wertung der Grundsatzkonzepte, wo doch alles relativierbar ist? Ist eine rationale Auseinandersetzung mit dieser Frage dann überhaupt noch zielführend oder gibt das Herz die Richtung an? Ist dort nicht auch alles dynamisch und flexibel in seiner Lebendigkeit?

Liebe ist die Konstante. Liebe, Respekt und Authentizität. Dass Respekt und Authentizität in einem Spannungsverhältnis stehen ist befruchtend, wenn es in Liebe aufgespannt wird.
17.8.16 19:33

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