This year I discovered a completely new sentiment. It is a mentally felt emotional sensation, that has physical impacts. It's amazingly intense and frighteningly capturing. It is the feeling of my soul expanding and pushing against boundaries. It makes my head feel like under pressure and about to burst, but in a way, that I always feel safe, like the definite explosion won't come, and that I just have to endure until the size of my soul adjusts.
It did make me vigorously shake my head, though, and smash it onto a wall. Even if only gently. It made me clench my fists and cringe. It made me question the value of everything I had built before and it made me completely revise my set of values and standards. And to this day I'm not finished with that process. Hell, I'm not even close...
I remember vividly sitting on that sun-bathed meadow in Bavaria in September and asking the heavens what the fuck happened to me... What the fuck just began to unfold in my biography...
I pondered for days and weeks about how to deal with it and how to integrate the current developments into the identity I had constructed for myself, but in retrospective there was never a real choice....
Or the choice had been made months in advance...
Unconsciously, like an addict reacts to new thrills...
Yep, an addict. That's what I am.
No way to hide that anymore and actually no need even.
I wanna get better and become a better person, so I shouldn't even try anymore to hide those parts of myself...
I already impaired that burden on the one who loves me the most. And he handles extraordinarily! I just need to work on not taking that for granted... And on not listening to the voices, that tell me, that the setup of my current life is due to him.
I don't need to make him leave to get radical.
I don't need to shift that responsibility to him.
I can always just get going and see where it leads me.
I still underestimate him, but now at least I know...
But is it morally acceptable to confront him with even more change?
To make him deal with my soul-searching-trip in a way that robs him of the security I once offered even more?
Am I to blame for this yunity-induced freedom, that makes me reconsider every single category I ever built and the uncertainty this process yields for him as well?
I want to be free, but
I also want to be reliable.
I want to follow my desires, but
I also want to stay true to my previous agreements.
What is more important if it's not possible anymore to fulfill both?
Where is the boundary between honesty and selfishness?
What do I really want?
Is there even an answer to that question?
Or rather, can there be one
answer to that question?
I seriously doubt it...
Safety is an illusion.
We can never know what the next day will bring.
Loyalty is a blessing.
It makes the uncertainty of the world more bearable.
Personal relationships are about the most security this world has to offer.
I know that, I'm just too arrogant to actually believe that people could turn on me.
Stupid, right? ^^
But like I said, I'm working on it...
For now I'm happily expanding my network, encountering love all around and not wanting to shut it out. Even if it's not directed at me and ends up hurting me unintentionally.
I want to be a bigger person in that regard.
What else is that arrogance good for anyways..?
My soul keeps expanding.
That's what it feels like at least.
I think I'm on a good way.
On an honest way in clear sight.
The world is full of beauty and possibility.
That prize is definitely worth a little pain...