Schwebende EbenenFarben die mein Leben beschreiben, weil mein Leben sonst wundervoll farblos ist. Farben sind als Gedanken weit schöner als auf Wänden, Stoffen und Papier...

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Binge drinking

Last Monday I drank three bottles of wine. One the one hand it was a lot of fun, but on the other I'm missing around six hours of the night, I lost my glasses and woke up with a bloody toe.
It was definitely not the first time that something like this happened to me, or rather that I made something like this happen. I was always prone to drinking a lot and trying to find my boundaries. The thing is just... when I drink I don't realize how drunk I actually am and I always still function. At least enough to find my way home.

This last Monday I went to my sister's place after the first bottle. On the way I was already pretty tipsy and in an extraordinary mood. I chatted up some strangers next to the castle and felt amazing about the whole situation: the weather, the surroundings, the people and myself. From about the time i reached my sister's flat my memory is fragmentary. She told me I was a funny drunk, but also that she herself had never even thought of reaching a drunkenness level like the one she was able to observe on me that night. Luckily she still found it funny though...
Next day home my boyfriend was really not happy with me. He said he was worried and that i really should stop drinking so much, like he already said before in similar situations. This was the first time that I stopped myself from getting defensive and stating that 'I can do what I want' and that from time to time I allow myself to spiral out. I mean, I do, but what is it worth when i forget half of it? Three bottles of wine is simply too much. And the fact that I can find my way home on autopilot is maybe good to know, but i shouldn't rely on it so much (especially when I will move to another city soon... xD).

Yeah well... Final words: I won't equip myself too well anymore when I plan on drinking and I will definitely try to slow myself down a bit when drinking (although I doubt that this will work very well). Also, I'm very thankful to my sister that she still let me go home on my own! I know that a lot of people would judge this differently, but i took it as a huge compliment, that she also believed that I could do it and that nothing bad would happen to me. She even said 'Everybody else I would have forced in a taxi!' but not me... x3
Thanks sissy! Really!
23.7.16 23:39


Heichelheim, June 30

I fell in love with the best man imaginable. Not only is he smart, cute and loving but he also is not jealous at all and is open to every new idea I introduce. Two weeks ago he joined WuppDays for the first time and he was sincerely welcomed by everyone around. Still, the people used to lamâsching culture behaved differently from newly introduced ones and Luke was suddenly placed in situations where he had to watch me being spooned by another guy, me extensively hugging various people and himself being casually touched all the time.

It was definitely something he was not used to before, but he managed extraordinarily! After some days already, Selina complimented him on holding onto a hug much longer than before and when I asked him after two weeks, if it really is okay for him that I cuddle so much with everybody he just said 'Yes of course! I mean, why wouldn't it? It's just appreciation being expressed, right? Why would I be against it?'

Yep, he actually did not really get why this could even be a problem and I love him so much for that perspective!

Yay to trust in a relationship!
Yay to being open to the love that surrounds us!
Yay to the benefits of being in a group and really being together!
12.7.16 01:48


In a few days there's KCON in Paris and i won't go.
It's not only SHINee (who i already saw twice...^^) but also f(x) and BTS, but i still think that i won't go... No really, even if there are moments in which i feel as if i had to, i don't think i'll attend.

Even tonight, which is a night of total immersion in modern K-culture (again...), i don't think i really need to be there. I already spent too much money on this kind of refreshment (yep, that's what it is to me most of the time) and i don't want to be kicked out of the yunity mindset and routine as hardly ever again... it's all about priorities, you know...

I have all the accesses now, not only via youtube and dailymotion, but also through mobile apps such as naver v, vyrl and smtown (i actually was looking for everysing but got redirected. I obviously have to check that out a little more...). The world truly is connected today, and i just need some more time to really make a connection and understand all the tools already out there...

So many pictures, so many sounds, so many charms... Yes it would be nice to attend a concert with a European audience, but that's not wortth 150€; and that's not worth loosing perspective again... I can crave Baekhyun when i'm at home, i can feel Jonghyun when i have nothing better to do, but when i have the chance to have real-life encounters and real-life progress, i should and will definitely choose those over artificial flavours of happiness, which i actually really don't need...

I have everything! All the fangirls would be or have been jealous of my perfect life. That's why i mostly kept quiet about my luck and only joined in on the praising of some worthy idols (like the before-mentioned ones...^^) when i was involved in online fandom. So no! I won't miss shit if i don't attend KCON Paris! I would only miss yunity spirit, i would miss out on camaraderie and unspoken backround feelings, and that's something i don't want to miss out on again...

yunity will always win in my personal list of priorities! It's about changing the wolrd godammit! Why would i ever choose something else above that?!
10.5.16 02:01

Oh my gosh i LOVE yunity!!! o.0
It actually shouldn't surpise me anymore, but it somehow still does...^^ I think it's because of the intensity of emotional attachment that grew in such a short time... And also the fact that it grew so fast because of loads of new hope in regard to old topics... All this love and appreciation, all this positive energy that sparks a never before felt productivity in me... And that it only takes one short skype to make me remember after a trip to Japan...
That trip was filled with great views, feelings, experiences and provided so much input again, that was so different from the yunity reality, that - in the end - i couldn't even enjoy it anymore.
And now i'm sitting here with the fresh info of KCon Paris 2016 featuring SHINee, 방탄손연단 and f(x) (!!!) and ponder over the question if i even want to go there, because it doesn't fit my perfect yunity schedule. That seems so absurd from a last year's point of view...^^ But now it only shows, that i learnt that fake excitement always looses to real attachment... I mean, i haven't yet decided if i'm gonna go or not, and it will also depend on the need my sister wll express...^^
Agh i really don't know... 진짜 모르겠어...
But right at this moment i don't think that i need to spend 150 euros on KPop again, and that being at a lake, two weeks into the yunity feeling, will be much better and won't cost a cent... This is not about money mainly, but it definitely underlines the better decision...
But still... BTS...
아야아아아!!! 모리가 앞아... --.--
29.4.16 02:36

제 머리속에서 도그마가 없어&

Egal wie sehr ich auch neuen Sinn in meinem Dasein finde... KPop findet seinen Weg dazu! Vermutlich durchaus auch deswegen, weil ich mich immer freue, wenn es passiert...^^
Soviel simpel generierte Freude ohne Folgen! Soviel ästhetische Reize, in einerseits optisch und akustischem Rahmen und andererseits in linguistisch und kulturellem. Ich weiß halt nach wie vor nicht wieso ich das generell ablehnen sollte, vor allem auch, weil es mich offen und verständnisvoll dem Mainstream gegenüber hält und mich so befähigt Dogmen leichter auszumachen und zu bekämpfen.

Heute zum Beispiel war ich mal wieder in einem Supermarkt, weil ich Klopapier, Haferflocken und Knoblauch brauchte. Fast hätte ich sogar Schokolade gekauft! Das wiederum wäre aber ein absolutes Einbrechen gegenüber den Verlockungen der leicht erreichbaren aber nicht ernsthaft nötigen Luxusgüter gewesen (schon Knobi und vielleicht sogar Klopapier gehört ja eigentlich dazu...). Somit habe ich mich dagegen entschieden... und dann heute Nacht beim Containern Kinderschokolade, Neapolitanerwaffeln, Schokopudding, Kouvertüre und Amerikanerkuchen gefunden...^^
Man hätte ich mich geärgert blöde Schoki für einen Euro pro Tafel im blöden Supermarkt gekauft zu haben! xD Aber dennoch sind all diese Gedanken ohne diese harte Verbissenheit aufgekommen, die das Gefühl moralischer Überlegenheit einen schnell annehmen lässt, und das ist in jeden Fall gut! Natürlich hätte ich mir Schokolade kaufen dürfen! Ich MUSS es nur nicht (und offenbar nichtmal um sie zur Verfügung zu haben...^^). Dieser kleine aber feine Unterschied ist das, was Freiheit ausmacht. Die Freiheit im eigenen Handeln, die Freiheit in der Bewertung und Akzeptanz des Handelns Anderer und nicht zuletzt die Freiheit im Kopf, die im Endeffekt alle anderen Freiheitsgrade bestimmt...

Natürlich kann ich mich bemühen meinen Alltag möglichst umweltverträglich zu gestalten und dann nach Japan fliegen um SHINee zu sehen. Natürlich kann ich vegan einkaufen, wenn mir doch mal was fehlt, und dann das Heringsfilet aus dem Container essen. Natürlich kann ich abstrakte Fernziele ergünden und dann feststellen, dass das momentane Handeln nicht denselben Regeln entsprechen muss oder sogar kann.

Früher dachte ich 'Ambiguitätstoleranz' sei ein Schimpfwort für eine Geisteshaltung, die das nicht-zuende-Denken glorifiziert. Jetzt weiß ich, dass es nicht nur eine dumme Floskel von Unentschlossenen sein muss 'seine Widersprüche zu umarmen'. Nicht, dass es nicht auch die Deppen geben würde, an die ich früher in diesem Kontext dachte, aber es gibt eben auch noch Andere. Es gibt immer auch noch Andere...
Andere Möglichkeiten, andere Perspektiven, andere Interpretationen, andere Ansätze, andere Erfahrungen und andere Schlussfolgerungen.

Offenheit im Geiste ist das allerbeste Mittel gegen Angst und Hilflosigkeit. Denn wenn du erstmal verstanden hast, dass es tausend Wege zu einem Ziel gibt, von denen du nicht zwangsläufig alle nachvollziehen kannst, und dass das nicht nur okay sondern notwendig ist... worüber musst du dich dann noch sorgen? Die Verantwortung das alles zu durchschauen und mental zu verwalten hast du dir in deiner Hybris sowieso nur selbst auferlegt...
Hab einfach Vertrauen, Hoffnung und Phantasie und sei du selbst so gut du kannst!
Mehr kann niemand erwarten. Auch du nicht.
28.2.16 03:29

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