~Floating layers~Farben die mein Leben beschreiben, weil mein Leben sonst wundervoll farblos ist.
Farben sind als Gedanken weit schÃ¶ner als auf WÃ¤nden, Stoffen und Papier...
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Bin ich jetzt glücklich oder nicht?
"Ja!" schreit die eine Hälfte meiner Seele, die vielleicht sogar drei Viertel ausmacht.
Der Rest ist sich da nicht so sicher...
Vielleicht ist mein Bedürfnis ein guter Mensch zu sein doch größer als ich dachte...
Mein guter, älterer Freund ergeht sich in psychotischen Schüben.
Meine Mutter zeigt mir in ihrer Liebe neue Defizite meinerseits auf.
Mein Liebster tut dasselbe, indem er einfach nur lächelt...
Und ich sehne mich zur gleichen Zeit nach dem einen Anderen.
Und ich sehne mich zur gleichen Zeit nach erfüllender Tätigkeit in der Ferne, nach belebendem Austausch und - die ganze Zeit unterschwellig - nach dieser Community, die im Aufbau begriffen ist, und der ich einerseits angehöre aber andererseits auch wieder nicht.
Will ich zuviel gleichzeitig?
Ist das, was ich will, vielleicht doch einfach unmöglich?
Bin ich die selfish bitch after all..?
I'm so profoundly confused, that I don't know if I can trust either my feelings or my ratio.
My Mum said that rational thinking should always serve as the last resort after every emotional intuition failed or didn't yield a satisfying result.
My whole being felt attacked by that statement, even though I did understand and appreciate it.
It just isn't my perspective...
I never knew my Mum was so emotional...
I never knew I was so coldly factual in comparison...
I think I'm a little bit psychopath.
I didn't notice before, but I actually could have known for a long time... The last hint was a 5 minutes clip on youtube, that summarized 10 psychopathic traits and pointed out that these are not even so rare as people often want to believe. I got goosebumps while watching it, because I felt addressed by every single one of the points mentioned. It somehow made me sad, because I still want to be a good person - at least not a bad one - but it also gave me a weird sense of belonging. And I was happy, because I better understood what my Mom was so damn frustrated about some months ago and probably still.
I have a coldness in me. I do understand emotion and I'm actually pretty good at analyzing and explaining it, but I don't automatically feel the emotion of people surrounding me. It always requires me to put myself in the position of the other one on purpose, then I can get a glimpse of what they might feel. There is a certain distance, which protects me from the feelings of others and if I don't put in some extra effort it doesn't go away.
That makes me a pretty good counselor for depressed friends, because I can handle their desperation. Even if they really have every reason to be depressed and even I cannot find anything positive in their current situation, I can still be there for them and just endure the sadness. But it also makes me pretty insensitive at times, without me even realizing. I can find humor in another one's death wish or anxiety and if I misjudge the situation I may make inappropriate comments, which I regret later on.
Maybe that's also what makes me crave intense emotion so much, that I became an expert of indulging myself in even the slightest feeling of love. I can make myself high on appreciation - especially when expressed physically - and it took me years to seperate this drug perspective from true love. At least I was able to see the difference now...
Seriously, I think I was only able to not notice my slightly psychopath nature, because I learned psychology since childhood and because I grew up in a family that valued both rational thinking and charisma.
Apparently psychopaths take great care that others perceive them as best as possible, and - who would've thought - I'm very good at that. I'm good at lying and pretending without anybody noticing and just recently decided, that that's not the way I want to behave. The big epiphany that lead me to this: It's not okay just because nobody notices. Being honest is a quality in itself and it's okay if not everybody likes me. Sounds trivial to you? Well then you're probably much more normal than me...
I don't know, but I have the impression, that all my behavior prior to last September was based on me wanting to be loved. I found so many different reasons and arguments but basically everything I did boiled down to this. All my inconsistencies can be explained by that being my main driving force. That's why I was watching out so much not to offend anyone, not to say the 'wrong' things - even though I sometimes knew that they were true - and to not be too different. I always wanted to fit in - it's just that I wanted to fit in with the ones that were different. I succumbed and adapted to goth arrogance and punk dresscode, to politically correct speech patterns, as well as psytrance drug bragging. And it was never completely inhonest; I just assimilated so much, that my whole patterns of thinking and perceiving shifted depending on who I was with and who I subconsciously wanted to impress. It didn't change from one day to the other though, this always was a subtle process of me actually weighing different perspectives and arguments against each other and then finding reasons why the ones of my current peer group were best. I became a master of self-deception but at the same time learned understanding and appreciating different world views - just not at the same time. And I didn't even understand what was happening.
But still, I don't think this quite rational perspective I seem to have is bad per se. It's just different, apparently, and the funny thing is, that I'm still prone to emotional, or rather impulsive, decisions - which is yet another characteristic of psychopaths...
In retrospective I can say that my impulsive actions have always been aimed at pleasure and/or status. I justified them with emotion, but it always was a choice. I guess that's also why I like alcohol so much: It's simply the best excuse to behave this way. And it weakens the boundaries I learned to respect because of societal convention. Me myself I don't know any boundaries. I need given constructs of acceptability and an elaborate infrastructure of logical rules to follow. Normally I keep myself in control by bringing myself in situations of peer pressure. If I say that I'll take care of a task for example, I'll make sure to hit the deadline, because I don't want to disappoint the people depending on me. Without a deadline though nothing would happen probably. If it was just about myself I'd only be enjoying life to the fullest every single day...
The cynical thing about this is just that 'enjoying life' includes a certain sense of purpose. I need people to remind me of that. I need other people pursuing goals I support to get active myself. But my activity is mostly due to me wanting to impress these people I look up to, that's something I just recently realized. It's not really flattering, but I'm a follower. I don't have big dreams of my own, at least not concrete ones. Still, when I find a dream worth following I can - and will - take on a strong role in realizing it. Is that paradox? Possibly...
So, what does all this boil down to?
1. I'm a poikilotherm, always adapting to the surroundings.
2. I want to be loved at all costs. And as intensely as possible that is.
3. I react mostly (only?) to direct social stimuli.
4. I come to understand myself more and more and I'm pretty proud of that...
I don't think I'm a bad person. But I also don't think that I'm a good person. That's okay though, I do what I can and I always try to do justice to the people dear to me. Self-reflection is satisfying and I think I do make a lot of progress. So the biggest insight probably is this:
5. Being slightly psychopath is not bad.
It's just important to know, that most people are warmer than I am. They are more vulnerable and less rationally controlled probably and I shouldn't judge them for either of these attributes. In contrast I'm easily confused morally and sometimes don't know what 'truth' to hold on to. And even if I still see this as an asset rather than as a weakness, because it keeps me being open to the endless possibilities to structure intersocial behaviors, I need to keep in mind that this flexibility comes at a price.
Oh and one more thing, that is pretty important:
6. This is no binary distinction. (But what actually is?!)
I think I have a predisposition to psychopathic behavior, but in the end it all comes down to how I handle it. I never abused animals and I never bullied people, because I was taught that these actions are unexcusable. If I hadn't learned that I maybe would have had fun doing it, but since my life went differently, I just never saw the benefit of dominating beings, that cannot defend themselves against me. Likewise, I'm not a pathological liar (anymore), because I learned that it's one of the most horrifying feelings to realize that a whole construct of lies collapses, so I avoided building those since over a decade ago. I am, after all, the master of my own existence and thus I can choose which impulse I follow and which I fight.
And so do you.
This year I discovered a completely new sentiment. It is a mentally felt emotional sensation, that has physical impacts. It's amazingly intense and frighteningly capturing. It is the feeling of my soul expanding and pushing against boundaries. It makes my head feel like under pressure and about to burst, but in a way, that I always feel safe, like the definite explosion won't come, and that I just have to endure until the size of my soul adjusts.
It did make me vigorously shake my head, though, and smash it onto a wall. Even if only gently. It made me clench my fists and cringe. It made me question the value of everything I had built before and it made me completely revise my set of values and standards. And to this day I'm not finished with that process. Hell, I'm not even close...
I remember vividly sitting on that sun-bathed meadow in Bavaria in September and asking the heavens what the fuck happened to me... What the fuck just began to unfold in my biography...
I pondered for days and weeks about how to deal with it and how to integrate the current developments into the identity I had constructed for myself, but in retrospective there was never a real choice....
Or the choice had been made months in advance...
Unconsciously, like an addict reacts to new thrills...
Yep, an addict. That's what I am.
No way to hide that anymore and actually no need even.
I wanna get better and become a better person, so I shouldn't even try anymore to hide those parts of myself...
I already impaired that burden on the one who loves me the most. And he handles extraordinarily! I just need to work on not taking that for granted... And on not listening to the voices, that tell me, that the setup of my current life is due to him.
I don't need to make him leave to get radical.
I don't need to shift that responsibility to him.
I can always just get going and see where it leads me.
I still underestimate him, but now at least I know...
But is it morally acceptable to confront him with even more change?
To make him deal with my soul-searching-trip in a way that robs him of the security I once offered even more?
Am I to blame for this yunity-induced freedom, that makes me reconsider every single category I ever built and the uncertainty this process yields for him as well?
I want to be free, but
I also want to be reliable.
I want to follow my desires, but
I also want to stay true to my previous agreements.
What is more important if it's not possible anymore to fulfill both?
Where is the boundary between honesty and selfishness?
What do I really want?
Is there even an answer to that question?
Or rather, can there be one answer to that question?
I seriously doubt it...
Safety is an illusion.
We can never know what the next day will bring.
Loyalty is a blessing.
It makes the uncertainty of the world more bearable.
Personal relationships are about the most security this world has to offer.
I know that, I'm just too arrogant to actually believe that people could turn on me.
Stupid, right? ^^
But like I said, I'm working on it...
For now I'm happily expanding my network, encountering love all around and not wanting to shut it out. Even if it's not directed at me and ends up hurting me unintentionally.
I want to be a bigger person in that regard.
What else is that arrogance good for anyways..?
My soul keeps expanding.
That's what it feels like at least.
I think I'm on a good way.
On an honest way in clear sight.
The world is full of beauty and possibility.
That prize is definitely worth a little pain...
Am I a good person? I don't know...
Do I want to be a good person? Yes!
Is wanting to be a good person what drives me? Erm, not primarily..?
I want to have coherence and rigor. I want what I say to fit what I do and the other way around. I want to be free but not lazy. I want to be social but not lack time for myself. I want to love and be loved and love myself. I want to want to help others. I want to be true to who I really am. I want the real me to live up to my standards.
Where is the balance between just doing what I feel like and doing what I feel is right even if it annoys me to be as authentic as possible? How much do I have to control myself to be and stay on the right track?
What does it even mean to be 'a good person'?
I think it means to be empathic to other people's suffering and to feel the need to ease it.
I think it means being open to the vast diversity of this world and to appreciate it rather than being afraid of it.
I think it means taking action and responsibility for the world we're all living in, be it on a small or big scale.
In the end it's really not about the actions themselves but about the attitude.
If Mother Therese just helped all those people to feel acknowledged, she was selfish.
If she did the same just for the sake of being helpful, she was a saint.
Who can ever judge this except for the person acting?
Luke said 'It's okay to feel good for helping others!', but isn't it important to know the main motivation? Isn't that exactly what makes the difference?
Sometimes I ease my mind by telling myself that this exact question already makes me better, but I don't know if that's not just an excuse maybe...
Then again, having a good impact on the world always is a good thing, right? So why thinking about it so much... maybe too much?!
Is it me or the world who judges if I'm a good person in the end?
How can I find peace vis-à-vis this question, when I don't delegate it to some kind of deity?
Well I just have to decide, don't I..?
Or let it rest...
Plato said the value of a human life can't be measured before it's over, because before that it's not complete...
Kant said the value of a human life becomes evident in every decision the human in question effects...
I have no idea who is right...
I'll just do my almost-best. Still granting myself a lot of time to relish this existence and to think about existential questions like this...^^
Why be a good person that is lonely and sad..?
No, I'd rather be a semi-good person but happy and loved... :3
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Today was the first day in what felt like ages for me to spend completely on my laptop. I didn't have to get up at a certain time and I didn't have to be at someplace at a certain time. So no pressure at all. What a gift!
I moved to Berlin and am now living in a very nice flat in Kaulsdorf together with Luki. I maintained communications with Tilmann and feel our closeness evergrowing. And today I got up-to-date again with what is going on in yunity and feel a great sensation of usefulness and relation to all the other people involved there.
The next week I will build up the last pieces of furniture, empty the last boxes and carry out some foodsharing pick-ups, before I will set out to meeting Tilmann again next Sunday. The amazing thing is, that I'm looking forward to each part of this plan almost equally. Okay, meeting Titi again is best, but still! I wouldn't want to leave today, because I also want to enjoy this initial time in our new flat with Luke and setting up our living arrangements also is a lot of fun for me!
I feel so blessed that I can experience this complex and beautiful set of feelings imminent in me right now! I have one man by my side who gives life to my everyday, greets me with soft smiles, kisses and hugs and provides an amazing safe harbor and another one who satisfies my desires, presents a goal for my longings and gives me the possibility to dive even deeper into this/my new reality which is yunity.
I really think, that I love these two equally, even though Luke is 8 years ahead on the one hand and Tilmann has the benefit of the new on the other...
Both have their charms, both are amazing people and both complement me in different but equally important areas. Both are caring, loving and sweet. Both are handsome, intelligent and interesting. Both are persons I want to share my life with...