Schwebende EbenenFarben die mein Leben beschreiben, weil mein Leben sonst wundervoll farblos ist. Farben sind als Gedanken weit schöner als auf Wänden, Stoffen und Papier...

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Yay Berlin!

Today was the first day in what felt like ages for me to spend completely on my laptop. I didn't have to get up at a certain time and I didn't have to be at someplace at a certain time. So no pressure at all. What a gift!
I moved to Berlin and am now living in a very nice flat in Kaulsdorf together with Luki. I maintained communications with Tilmann and feel our closeness evergrowing. And today I got up-to-date again with what is going on in yunity and feel a great sensation of usefulness and relation to all the other people involved there.
The next week I will build up the last pieces of furniture, empty the last boxes and carry out some foodsharing pick-ups, before I will set out to meeting Tilmann again next Sunday. The amazing thing is, that I'm looking forward to each part of this plan almost equally. Okay, meeting Titi again is best, but still! I wouldn't want to leave today, because I also want to enjoy this initial time in our new flat with Luke and setting up our living arrangements also is a lot of fun for me!
I feel so blessed that I can experience this complex and beautiful set of feelings imminent in me right now! I have one man by my side who gives life to my everyday, greets me with soft smiles, kisses and hugs and provides an amazing safe harbor and another one who satisfies my desires, presents a goal for my longings and gives me the possibility to dive even deeper into this/my new reality which is yunity.
I really think, that I love these two equally, even though Luke is 8 years ahead on the one hand and Tilmann has the benefit of the new on the other...
Both have their charms, both are amazing people and both complement me in different but equally important areas. Both are caring, loving and sweet. Both are handsome, intelligent and interesting. Both are persons I want to share my life with...
31.10.16 23:17


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Happily poly...^^

Whoa... I don't know how many times I already said that my life is awesome and that I'd never ever change with anybody, but tonight this feeling reaches a new high...

From today on I actually got two boyfriends! For real! They both know of their existence and they even know each other! And they both love me and are okay with another one loving me too!

On the one hand there is Luke, the soft and caring individual I spent the last 8 years with, developing a deep emotional connection nurtured by high-level intellectual exchange and cautious caressing. On the other hand there is Titi, the fresh love that is defined by an extraordinary amount of sensual contact, be it skin- or thought-wise and an irresistible physical attraction.

Who would've thought that I don't even have to choose now?! :DDD
I actually always thought that having more than one partner would be too much of a hassle, because I've always been craving deep, true and intense contacts, but with these two right now it all seems to come so naturally easy, that it would be much more painful to lose one of them than to invest a bit more energy to maintain the relationships.
I am so super happy right now, I didn't think it would be possible to reach this state...

And I have to say that my hypothesis that love and love combined equals exponential love is totally true! Luke feared that me loving another one could result in me loving him less, but what happened was exactly the opposite! I'm so impressed by his ability to abstract the traditional relationship categories and to really think about the current situation featuring the known individuals; that he was able to overcome his sadness and disappointment about my short period of lying (yes, it was three days, in which I needed to get clarity myself and behaved like a selfish bitch. I just have to admit that...) and realized that our relationship was not in danger but simply had new rules. It only took him half an hour to decide that he'd rather be part of this new honesty than lonely on the side and even in the meantime he smiled at me (even though discouragedly) and caressed my hand (even though shyly and nervously). I just hope that this isn't only the result of me dominating him...

Well, we'll see what happens when Luke and Titi will meet each other again. Luke said that he doesn't dread this moment, that he still wants to contribute to yunity because he likes the project, and that he doesn't even have a grudge against this guy who also made me fall in love with him.
I'm so looking forward to that moment. It's gonna be epically interesting to me...^^
20.9.16 02:16


Ich bin nicht gut darin mit Dingen aufzuhören, die Spaß machen. Aufhören zu trinken, wenn noch Wein da ist; aufhören zu glotzen, wenn es spannend ist; aufhören zu spielen, wenn es fesselnd ist; aufhören zu schlafen, wenn es traumhaft ist; aufhören zu kuscheln, wenn es erfüllend ist. Ich kann das nicht.
Und es ist auch egal, ob es neben dem Spaß, dem guten Gefühl, auch noch negative Empfindungen gibt, solange der Spaß existiert siegt die Trägheit.
Der Spaß, das gute Gefühl, ist ein warmes Pulsieren, das Körper und Geist verbindet. Es kommt auf, wenn etwas interessant ist und mir Erkenntnis schenkt, oder wenn etwas Schön ist und in mir Bewunderung auslöst, und ganz besonders wenn ich durch Körperkontakt spüre, dass jemand anderes diese Regungen in Bezug auf mich erfährt.

"Es ist so schön - es ist verboten!
Es ist so schön - es ist verboten!
Es ist so schön - es ist verboten!
Es ist so schön - ach Scheiß auf Verbote!" Hans-A-Plast

Nur Einsicht lässt mich daran arbeiten und hoffen, dass eine Änderung eintritt. Verbote nähren nur Trotz und Neugier. Ich bin exzessiv. Ich will so intensiv leben, soviel erfahren und genießen wie nur irgend geht. Aber ich will niemanden verletzen, enttäuschen oder verärgern deshalb.

Kommunikation ist so wichtig. Die Art und Weise wie ein Wunsch konzeptualisiert und kontextualisiert wird entscheidet schließlich, ob er als dreiste Forderung, freundliche Bitte, höflicher Vorschlag oder gutgemeinter Ratschlag aufgefasst wird.
Manipulation ist so einfach. Sie mit Absicht nicht anzuwenden und stattdessen durch Authentizität zu ersetzen, die trotzdem den Gegebenheiten der Gesprächssituation angmessen Rechnung trägt, ist die wahre Kunst. Und ich weiß nicht, ob ich sie schon gemeistert habe...

Wieviel Ehrlichkeit ist produktiv? Schon zeitlich ist es nicht möglich alles zu kommunizieren oder gar sprachlich zu kodieren, vom Verständnisaspekt mal ganz abgesehen. Wonach kann ich entscheiden welche Informationen ich weglasse? Relevanz, klar, aber die setzt jeder unterschiedlich. Dinge nicht explizit zu benennen und sich darauf zu verlassen, dass sie im Subtext transportiert werden birgt das (verschleiernd gewollte..?) Risiko des Missverständnisses.

Gibt es universelle Kategorien für soziale Beziehungen? Kann es überhaupt welche geben? Was ist mit universeller Moral? Die Wertung verschiedener Grundsatzkonzepte ist doch das, was die Handlungsanweisungen bedingt! Höflichkeit oder Ehrlichkeit, Status oder Kontakt, Individualität oder Gemeinschaftlichkeit.
Und alles ständig im Fluss der Bedeutungsverschiebung...
Und alles der subjektiven Interpretation ausgesetzt...

Was bedeutet das jetzt für das konkrete Handeln von mir persönlich? Was ist meine Wertung der Grundsatzkonzepte, wo doch alles relativierbar ist? Ist eine rationale Auseinandersetzung mit dieser Frage dann überhaupt noch zielführend oder gibt das Herz die Richtung an? Ist dort nicht auch alles dynamisch und flexibel in seiner Lebendigkeit?

Liebe ist die Konstante. Liebe, Respekt und Authentizität. Dass Respekt und Authentizität in einem Spannungsverhältnis stehen ist befruchtend, wenn es in Liebe aufgespannt wird.
17.8.16 19:33


Binge drinking

Last Monday I drank three bottles of wine. One the one hand it was a lot of fun, but on the other I'm missing around six hours of the night, I lost my glasses and woke up with a bloody toe.
It was definitely not the first time that something like this happened to me, or rather that I made something like this happen. I was always prone to drinking a lot and trying to find my boundaries. The thing is just... when I drink I don't realize how drunk I actually am and I always still function. At least enough to find my way home.

This last Monday I went to my sister's place after the first bottle. On the way I was already pretty tipsy and in an extraordinary mood. I chatted up some strangers next to the castle and felt amazing about the whole situation: the weather, the surroundings, the people and myself. From about the time i reached my sister's flat my memory is fragmentary. She told me I was a funny drunk, but also that she herself had never even thought of reaching a drunkenness level like the one she was able to observe on me that night. Luckily she still found it funny though...
Next day home my boyfriend was really not happy with me. He said he was worried and that i really should stop drinking so much, like he already said before in similar situations. This was the first time that I stopped myself from getting defensive and stating that 'I can do what I want' and that from time to time I allow myself to spiral out. I mean, I do, but what is it worth when i forget half of it? Three bottles of wine is simply too much. And the fact that I can find my way home on autopilot is maybe good to know, but i shouldn't rely on it so much (especially when I will move to another city soon... xD).

Yeah well... Final words: I won't equip myself too well anymore when I plan on drinking and I will definitely try to slow myself down a bit when drinking (although I doubt that this will work very well). Also, I'm very thankful to my sister that she still let me go home on my own! I know that a lot of people would judge this differently, but i took it as a huge compliment, that she also believed that I could do it and that nothing bad would happen to me. She even said 'Everybody else I would have forced in a taxi!' but not me... x3
Thanks sissy! Really!
23.7.16 23:39


Heichelheim, June 30

I fell in love with the best man imaginable. Not only is he smart, cute and loving but he also is not jealous at all and is open to every new idea I introduce. Two weeks ago he joined WuppDays for the first time and he was sincerely welcomed by everyone around. Still, the people used to lamâsching culture behaved differently from newly introduced ones and Luke was suddenly placed in situations where he had to watch me being spooned by another guy, me extensively hugging various people and himself being casually touched all the time.

It was definitely something he was not used to before, but he managed extraordinarily! After some days already, Selina complimented him on holding onto a hug much longer than before and when I asked him after two weeks, if it really is okay for him that I cuddle so much with everybody he just said 'Yes of course! I mean, why wouldn't it? It's just appreciation being expressed, right? Why would I be against it?'

Yep, he actually did not really get why this could even be a problem and I love him so much for that perspective!

Yay to trust in a relationship!
Yay to being open to the love that surrounds us!
Yay to the benefits of being in a group and really being together!
12.7.16 01:48


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